Too long…
It’s 10:28, May 17th, and I feel like I’m failing as a writer. I feel that life has become so technical for me. I’ve lost enthusiasm and have become so worried about finding a job for the “so called man”. I blame the times. Enthusiasm and fun have become intertwined with money. I hear myself saying the following things all the time in response to questions like “hey there’s a club opening or a band playing at someplace somewhere, want to join in? I always answer “if I have money”. Isn’t that sad? The other day my friend gave me a detailed tarot reading. My question centered around what most people would ask about-love and career. What I found most fascinating about this tarot reading was how my past and future seem to always blend with each other, I can never escape the past. I’ve always wanted more, even today I still do, but the cards warned me about impulses and desires that will not always satisfy me. I AM SO CONFUSED. Words that describe how I feel at times; ‘“battered, useless, driven, reckless, wanderer, impulsive, concerned, ambitious, lonely, jealous, enthused, powerless, spent, shining, beautiful, unattractive, lazy, pushy, mean, emotional, lovely, peaceful, spiritual, funny, lethargic, apathetic, and optimistic. I know its normal to feel these emotions, but sometimes I feel like it comes at me at once. I feel psychotic but aware. These words have become my life and being, sad but true.
